Often what I want to say and what I actually say are two very different things**. What I verbalize is often a softer, more sugar-coated version of what the voice in my head is screaming. I'll share a few examples without revealing who these things are directed at even though some may be obvious.
For example:
What I want to say: Your alarm goes off at the same time every morning for 30 minutes. If I can hear it why don't you turn it off and get the hell up?
What I actually say: (Smile and wave when I see this neighbor)
What I want to say: You drive like an asshole.
What I actually say: Aren't you following a little too closely for this rate of speed?
What I want to say: You're a hypocrite and you create self-fulfilling prophecies. I'm sick of hearing what's wrong in your life, DO something about it instead of just complaining.
What I actually say: Well, it never hurts to think positive, look on the bright side and hope for the best. (I avoid this person like the plague)
What I want to say: You're children are a disaster and your parenting skills are even worse.
What I actually say: Maybe you could ask your kids not to play in the street and ram their bikes into oncoming cars as a game. I'd hate to see one of them get injured.
What I want to say: I get really pissed off when you don't do what you say you will. It makes me feel like you don't care and I can't depend on you.
What I actually say: You say you really care but your actions and words don't seem to match.
What I want to say: Towing someone's car immediately after coming home from the emergency room at nearly 1AM is cruel and heartless, especially when it was only parked at the curb cut for less than 10 ten minutes. And this car has been sitting in the fire lane with a flat tire, windows down with the seats slashed and a hairbrush on the hood.
What I actually say: Is there any way you could refund the impound fee since the car was clearly not in the fire lane when it was towed? 
What do you wish you could really say instead of what you actually say?
* I love this phrase, but don't remember where I heard it, saw it or read it. If anyone knows, please let me know so I can give proper credit and link love.
** I saw a post using this style somewhere a while ago and again, don't remember where. If you know, please tell me so proper credit and link love can be given.
Fluent in Sarcasm*
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
8 comments:
This is good. I'm going to have to borrow this format someday.
What I want to say: I wish I could erase you from my life instead of being constantly reminded of you and having to share friends with you that I made first.
What I say: {silence}
What I want to say: I can't believe you did this to me again and I fell for it. Fuck you!
What I say: {silence}
What I want to say: I always feel left out with you two.
What I say: It's okay. I understand.
what i want to say: don't complain to me that you have no money and tell me you bought new shoes in the same sentence, i can't take it.
what i end up saying: oh, well that's cool.
drives me nuts!
What I want to say: I think your management skills are crap and I hate that you take credit for the work I do why should I do another one of your projects.
What I really say: Sure, I'll do it.
What I want to say: You can't afford your groceries by the time if you pay your mortgage, two car payments, and student loans, you seriously think you can afford a baby right now?
What I really say: Maybe it'll happen next month.
What I want to say: Why did it take you so f-ing long to clean your pigsty, I mean apartment?
What I really say: Thanks for cleaning your apartment, son.
What I want to say: I'm sick of covering for the 4 of you when you are out.
What I really say: Sure, I'll do your recess/lunch duty AGAIN.
Dude! I totally agree with the self created crises. Some people aren't happy unless they go from drama to drama and bitch about it.
What I want to say: Well, maybe if you didn't have a life of poor eating, no exercise, and smoking, you wouldn't be sick as shit right now.
What I really say: You have a long way to recovery, so you'll need to work on it a little bit every day. But, don't worry, you'll get there.
What I want to say: Please don't bother me. I know I'm at a mixer, but I have to be and really don't feel much like talking to near-complete strangers. I did that all day long already.
What I really say: Hi! How are you doing! Thanks so much for coming!
Oh I do this all day long on the phone with annoying vendors and customers who place a $100 order once a year & expect to be treated like they keep us in business (they don't & to top it off we usually have to chase them for 6 months just to pay the stupid $100 on top of it).
The nice part is as soon as I hang up the phone, I say the "what I'm really thinking" part out loud to the telephone on my desk. It helps. A little. =P
Oh, I know! I always get all worked up about things and decide I'm going give someone a piece of my mind, but for the most part, I'm absurdly polite.
Nichole M shared your post in Google reader and I must say I'm SO glad she did. I agree with your
"What I say" spin on Think Positive while I really want to grab some people and shake them into doing something other than complaining about their problems!
Thank you for this. Great post. I will be back for more!
Post a Comment