I've always said she needs a helmet...

But I never expected to wake up to this.
THIS is Morgan wearing a box of Kleenex on her head. She was swinging her head around trying to get the box off and it smacked me in the face giving me a semi-shiner. LOVELY!

She thinks the pop-up Kleenex boxes are her own private buffet so I usually tuck the tissues down into the box. She apparently dove her head in and got stuck.

And yes, I am the Mom that will take a picture of you doing something stupid before I help.

Reiki

Today marks a dream coming to fruition. I completed my Reiki level I certification. For those that are not familiar with Reiki it's a gentle hands-on technique of energy healing. Reiki means Universal Energy bringing balance to experience the natural healing process of your body. I was fortunate enough to have a fantastic teacher and firmly believe the reason I have had so many foiled attempts at getting certified is because I was meant to certify under her instruction.

Susan Paige is amazingly intuitive and went out of her way to create a warm inviting classroom atmosphere. She has had thirty years experience in the holistic field and authored a book with Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra. For anyone in the Dallas area wanting to certify, I highly recommend her.

I feel so light after my attunement and am eager to practice what I've learned. The next level certification is in November and I can hardly wait!

That's NOT My Lip Gloss!

If you have been reading for any length of time, you know I tend to embarrass myself. Often. Almost always in public.

Well guess what? I did it again.

And this time? It was bad.

Observe:

I am in class. I am sitting near the front but not quite the front row. My lips are super dry because I am apparently too lazy to drink water. (And really? Does it get any lazier than that? Too lazy to drink water?)

I open my purse and in an attempt to be discreet, quietly feel around for my super special lip gloss. I pull it out and raise it to my lips as I try to simultaneously remove the cap. It is about now that I realize in horror that what I am holding is white. This was not my lip gloss but rather an OB tampon.

I tried to apply a tampon to my lips!

I quickly thrust the tampon back into my purse and found the lip gloss since at this point the blood had drained from my face making my lips feel even drier. This time I applied what I made certain was actually a product made for my lips.

And because I know you are all wondering, yes, people noticed. They snickered and giggled. One even outright laughed.

So, make me feel better? Tell me about how you have recently embarrassed yourself in public. Or tell me this really wasn't so bad. It's ok to lie, I'll know you are lying but maybe I'll feel better anyway.

I Need a Brain Organizer

We’ve all seen the home improvement shows where in thirty minutes or less an entire room has been redone. The room looks fabulous! It’s neat, organized and attractive. All the old, non-useful items are gone, replaced with shiny new, perfectly organized, welcoming furnishings.

I’ve decided I need this for my brain.

Yes, you read that right. I need someone to come into my head, I know that sounds creepy, and walk around picking things up and tossing them out.

This self doubt? Its so eighties! You don’t really want to hang onto that do you?

Negative sound tracks from childhood? Oops, broke it, looks like you can’t keep it even if you wanted to.

Now this, this is a relic! Who has hair or body image worries? Trash those babies!

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if we could hire someone to do this? We could just walk behind them mildly protesting and nodding our heads. The trash bags would fill up and be carted off with the production team as they leave and life would be grand!

If only it were that easy, right?

I’ve come to realize, as I’ve sort of always known really, that it’s not the one time clearing out of crap. Valuing yourself is a sort of hyper awareness of what we knowingly bring into our lives each day, because what we allow in directly affects us.

As I’ve grown, spiritually and emotionally, these ideas that started somewhat fluid have become solid in my mind. I’ve found as I’ve gotten older and more sure of myself, I am willing to compromise on less, willing to tolerate less bullshit. Sometimes I get complacent. I look around after a time and realize this no longer works. It’s time to change. I am willing to let go of all ideas that no longer serve me well.

And this I think is the first step towards being your own brain organizer.

I Can Haz It?

Flipping through the latest issue of Think Geek, I came across these. LOL Magnetz! Don't they look like fun? Think about all the messages you could leave on the fridge!

International Pirate Day

Did you know this existed? Well you do now! Today is the day, the International Talk Like A Pirate Day! The official website lists the festivities, but I thought I'd celebrate here with a few pirate jokes. Oh stop with the eye rolling, this will be fun.

Where does a pirate go when he needs a drink?

To the BARRRRRRRRRRR!

How does the pirate get around when his ship has been taken?

Why in his CARRRRRRR of course!

Ok, your turn! What's your favorite pirate joke?

Top Five Searches

A popular favorite, the weird random searches. We all get them and wonder how the heck did my blog come up for that search? Then start a little looking and sometimes it makes sense, sometimes not so much.

I thought I'd share my top five with you.

1. Chicken Noodle Casserole Ok, granted I posted about this, but the recipe didn't even turn out to be edible. I hate to even think about all the failed casseroles I'm responsible for across the land because of this post. I just hope they are reading the comments too for more help with this one.

2. Louis Vuitton Car This speaks for itself in tackiness, I just had no idea that many people were clamoring for information on how to bastardize their own cars like this.


3. Duct Tape Prom Dress I had never even heard of these until Julie told me in response to my post about colored duct tape and all the things I planned on fixing. A highly creative use of tape indeed.

4. What do condoms look like? Ok,granted, I probably should have seen this coming, but alas, now people like to stare at my gum.

5. Kilts Seriously? There are no better pictures on the web of kilts than my post? Here folks, this is what you are looking for if you want a kilt.

I know everyone gets them, what's the strangest search that leads to your blog?

Now you see it...

Which is better, one or two? One or two?

Can you guess where I was? Yes, an eye exam. It was long overdue, almost five years since my previous visit. Every time I go, I feel like I'm not capable of making a decision.

"Let me see the first one again," I ask. "Ok, now the second." "The first one, one more time?" I beg.

Exasperated sigh.

"I'm sorry, they're very similar!"

"Please choose one."

GAH! What if I pick the wrong one? What if I end up with coke-bottle glasses because I should have said two and not one?

We moved onto the exercise where you say when the two circles are directly over the top of each other. You guessed it:

NOW!

NO, NOW!

No, wait. NOW!

NOW! NOW!

I'm sure the doctor thinks I'm a full blown lunatic, but at least I got a new prescription and can look for glasses. I'm going for the look of sexy librarian, what do you think?

Clarity

As some of you know in greater detail than others, I am at a crossroads in my life. During times like these I often look around myself very carefully, even more observant than normal, searching for some clue, some sign to point me in one particular direction. I decided my best choice was to have a reading. Being that I decided so last minute the person I usually visit wasn't available. I decided to do a simple reading myself.

I used my Rumi, The Path of Love deck and a very simple spread of past, present and future. For those that aren't familiar with Rumi, he was a thirteenth-century Sufi poet and mystic. His words are simple, yet profound. For example:

Whatever you look for, you are. - Rumi

My reading:

Past: At breakfast a beloved asked her lover, "Who do you love more, yourself or me?" "From my head to my foot I have become you. Nothing remains of me but my name. You have your wish. Only you exist. I have disappeared like a drop of vinegar in an ocean of honey."

To me this speaks to having become so absorbed in something/someone else, I lost sight of myself and what was really important to me. Too many compromises and not enough following of my own heart. I am still me, just not the truest sense of me.

Present: The heart is comforted by true words, just as a thirsty man is comforted by water. (reversed)

I believe this is meant to make me aware that some things being said right now I need to be careful and not take as absolute truth. Look for deeper meanings.

Future: Listen to the reed and the tale it tells, how it sings of separation: ever since you cut me from the reed bed, my wail has caused men and women to weep. I want a heart torn open with longing to share the pain of this love. Whoever has parted from his source longs to return to that state of union.

After looking for further clarification, I have decided this message is to remind me to never again get so far from my source, my happiness. A true love is a deep connection that allows us to grow into our fullest selves. Growing independently while in a relationship is wonderful. Growing in sync with someone who contributes to you being your highest and best self is the most perfect love that exists.

While these were not exactly the answers I was looking for, I do believe they are a powerful message I was meant to receive. I think when we look at signs and pay attention to messages around us, we always learn something even if we just tuck it away for use later.

What a trip to the vet looks like:

Put my purse and other necessary items into my messenger bag, sneak out to the garage and set in the car.

Take both dogs out for “biz” even though it’s the wrong time of day and they only want to chase a squirrel.

Get out leashes. Both dogs erupt in hysterical excitement and Morgan pees on the kitchen floor.

Fifteen minutes later, leashes are attached. Kitchen floor is cleaned and sanitized.

Ten minutes later dogs are in car, buckled into their respective seatbelts, one in front, one in back so no one is “touching.” Front air bag has been disengaged.

I buckle myself in the drivers seat and open the garage door.

As I back out of the garage, Spencer lets out loud, pitiful protest in the form of “ROWR ORRRR ROWR”

Morgan joins. I turn up NPR and try to ignore it.

Simultaneously, they are worn out and we arrive at the vet.

We make it out of the car, but neither dog is aware that the door opens outward and without stepping back we can’t get inside. We jockey with the door repeatedly.

Several minutes and one pinched foot later, our presence is made known in the lobby. We are quickly escorted into the exam room.

For the blood draw and shots, I gladly hand over the kids to the vet techs despite having previously worked as a vet tech myself.

After poking and teeth checking has concluded, we make it back out to the car and repeat the strapping in process.

Upon arriving home, each dog is so worn out they don’t notice we are back. I unbuckle and carry them inside.

They have a nap. I Neosporin my arms and make a mental note to never cut their nails the night before a vet trip again.

The bonus part is we were sent home with two bottles of medicine, one for each dog. This is to be applied to the respective feet three times a day with strict instructions not to let anyone lick the medicine. Wonderful. Would it be wrong to make them wear baby socks?

Tell me about shoes

First, thanks to everyone for the advice about Crabby Pants. Unfortunately he slipped away in the night.

Moving on, what do you think about these? Are they me? Too much?


Yeah, I thought so too. So how about these?


Still too much? Let's try again.

I love Danskos and have been pondering a pair in red. What do you think? Just something to wear with jeans when I don't wear my clogs. Other suggestions?

What are your favorite shoes?

Hermit Crabs

Since my bloggie friends are such a wealth of information, I'd like to pick your minds a little. I have a hermit crab, Crabby Pants, who has recently molted. Crabby Pants has a large assortment of shells to choose from, now that he has presumably grown from his molting. He is the only crab in the habitat.

He is choosing to go naked most of the time. Yes, naked.

He looks rather, ummmm, bare? From all the research I have done, this is not typical of hermit crabs. Does anyone have experience with hermit crabs? Advice? Funny story to tell about your own crab?

What would you do?

So as Hairline Fracture suggested, I needed to get out and do something to cure my writers block. I do things all the time, I whined in my head, but with some family ookie-ness I suddenly had a lot to say, but this is not the space for me to air those particular grievances. I did come up with this, at of course, Target of the crazy people.

I'm standing in line and notice the girl in front of me wearing a super cute backless dress with adorable heels. She turns around and makes eye contact as she selects a package of gum.

"Very cute dress" I told her sincerely for this is a dress I would love to have for myself.

"Mmm, thanks" she says distractedly rummaging in her handbag as she turns back around.

Then I notice she has a very long tag poking straight up from the dress. "Oh, your tag is out" I tell her.

She whirls around and says defensively, "So? It is a fashion offense to have not checked my tag?"

"Umm, no. Just thought you'd want to know" I tell her evenly. I was actually going to offer to fix it for her but changed my mind upon seeing her reaction. She paid for her gum, got her cash back and left.

Now obviously she had a strong reaction but I got to thinking, what's the protocol for these things? She looked like she was going out and ostensibly would not want her tag sticking up in the back of a backless dress making the tag that much more prominent. If my tag is sticking up, or I have spinach in my teeth or whatever, I want people to tell me.

What about you? Do you want to be told when you tag is up? Food in your teeth? Does it make a difference if it's a stranger telling you versus say your friend or your Mother?

Gone Fishing!

Back to our regularly scheduled programming as soon as I have something, anything to say.

Bucket List

Recently I was tagged for a meme. Truthfully I have been tagged for more than a handful of memes (meme's? it's not possessive or a contraction, but it doesn't look right. Can you see how I get distracted easily and never get around to doing these?) and easily forget who tagged me for what, when and the rules. Clearly I need an assistant. Or a pen.

The meme that Shania at Craving Silence tagged me for is the Bucket List meme. I love this because from my early twenties onward I have kept a bucket list. Then there was the movie Bucket List last Christmas which inspired me to dust off the list (yes, I still have the original although it's looking rather tattered) and do a little updating.

I'll share my 8 things before I die or as I call it, Condensed Bucket List.

1) New Years Eve in Times Square. CHECK This happened Dec 31, 2006 when I actually lived in New York City. Ironically living in New York City was not on the list but probably should have been. It's an experience I will never, ever forget.

2) Travel into space. Needless to say I haven't done this or it would be all over this blog. I recently saw a news article where for $200,000 you could travel into space, but sadly that is more than just a tad out of my reach. Perhaps this needs to be modified to go visit NASA's zero gravity chamber? Perhaps I just need to wait longer for technology to catch up and make this more affordable?

3) Visit Puget Sound. CHECK I visited Puget Sound and was absolutely overcome by the beauty of it. The friend I was visiting, seeing how much I loved it, said "I have an extra bedroom you know. If you want to move here, you can be my roommate." Being young and adventurous impulsive, I moved there the following month.

4) Own a group of rental properties as a form of passive income and be the best landlord EVER! Yes, can you tell how old I was when I wrote that? This is one I'd still like to accomplish, but let's just say I'm more realistic about the in's and out's of being a landlord.

5) Swim with the dolphins. Sadly I haven't done this. I know Sea World offers packages where this is an option although as I get older I have mixed feelings about upsetting their natural territory/habits.

6) See the Northern Lights. CHECK and absolutely, incredibly, indescribably gorgeous.

7) Visit all 50 states. Almost check, I've been to all but thirteen.

8) Volunteer in another country and teach someone to read. Again, I was very young and idealistic. Not to say this can't still happen, but seeing as I have too many animals to make a trip like that soon, I am a sponsor through Children International. Through the funding they make it possible for many underprivileged children to go to school and have opportunities they otherwise wouldn't. Every time I get a letter from my sponsored child, I cry.

There are a few people I'd like to hear some of their Bucket List, Noodle I'm looking at you, but I'm not going to tag anyone. If you want to do it, consider yourself tagged and leave me a comment as I'd love to see your answers.